


Falling to Pieces

by asexualjuliet



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Allergies, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Felix Weston: exists, Panic Attacks, Swearing, food allergies, me: it’s free real estate, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 10:00:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25348861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexualjuliet/pseuds/asexualjuliet
Summary: “It’s probably fine,” Felix says. “It’s like a five percent chance that I’m dying and a ninety-five percent chance that I’m just having a panic attack.”
Relationships: Lake Meriwether/Felix Weston
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	Falling to Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhh this fic is really personal to me because this is just me projecting twelve-year-old me and my anxieties about my food allergies onto Felix (I’m doing a lot better, I’ve been on meds for four years).
> 
> My panic attacks were never quite as bad as Felix’s is here, but that’s just because I’m a sucker for hurt/comfort. This might be super out-of-character, but it’s a vent fic, so what are you gonna do?
> 
> TW: mention of throwing up. nothing actually happens, but one of the characters feels nauseous for a while  
> TW: Discussion of food allergies.  
> TW: very very brief mention of suicide. Mentioned sarcastically by one of the characters.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Walking towards Mia’s exhibit in the student art show, Andrew’s not looking where he’s going. 

_Are you here yet?_ Mia texts, and as he looks down at his phone to reply, someone collides with him. 

“My bad,” Andrew says, looking up to see Felix, wide-eyed and pale. “You okay, Weston?” 

“Yeah!” Felix responds immediately, with what Andrew can only describe as a manic kind of energy. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, so sorry, I’m just—I’m leaving now,” he says, and heads out the door as quickly as he can without raising suspicion. 

It doesn’t work. Andrew is definitely suspicious. 

-

“Lake,” Andrew says. 

“One second,” she replies, still in conversation with Mia. 

“It’s important,” Andrew insists. 

Lake sighs, turning around to face him. “You get thirty seconds.”

“You need to go check on Felix.”

She raises an eyebrow. “He’s outside making a phone call. He’s fine.”

“I ran into him and he seemed freaked,” Andrew tries to explain. “I don’t know, he was just acting really weird, kind of anxious or something.”

Lake gives Andrew a strange look. 

“Just go check on him,” he says, “It might be nothing…”

“But just in case,” she finishes. Andrew nods. 

“Okay. I’ll be back.”

Andrew gives a little wave, and Lake heads out the door. 

-

“Felix?”

Felix looks up. He’s sitting on a wooden bench in the hall outside the multi-purpose room they’re using as a “gallery.” He’s bouncing one knee up and down as fast as he can and obsessively running his hands through his hair. 

“Oh, hi,” he says, dropping his hands into his lap, but the words have none of his usual confidence, and Lake can tell his smile is surface level. 

“Are you okay?” she asks, sitting down next to him on the bench. 

“Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course,” Felix tries to assure her, but he’s speaking too fast, and his breathing is quicker, more panicked than it usually is. 

“Felix,” Lake says, taking his hand, and it’s not a question. 

“It’s nothing. It’s—It’s not a big deal, really, I’m just being stupid—”

 _“Felix,”_ she says, staring into his eyes, and the words are still gentle, but more serious this time. 

Felix is silent. 

“Felix?”

“You have to promise not to laugh at me,” he says, voice sounding younger and more scared than Lake’s ever heard it before. “It’s stupid, I’m being stupid, but I don’t want you to think I’m stupid.”

“I would never think that,” Lake says. 

“You know those cookies they had at the art show? The—the chocolate chip ones? And how we both took one and we ate them and they were good, and—”

“You’re rambling,” Lake tells Felix, squeezing his hand. 

“I didn’t ask what was in the cookies because I didn’t want to make a big deal about it but I didn’t want to not eat one because you would ask me why I was being so weird because you know I love chocolate chip cookies so I don’t know if there were almonds or peanuts or something in the cookies because I didn’t ask but if there were that’s really fucking bad because I ate one and I’m allergic to nuts,” Felix says, all in one breath, and it takes Lake a little bit to process all of it. 

“Holy shit,” she says when she does, “Should I be calling an ambulance?”

Felix shakes his head furiously. “No, God, no, because I don’t—I don’t _know_ what was in them, and if you called an ambulance over this and it turned out I wasn’t dying, that would be, like, even more embarrassing than what’s already happening.”

“Okay. Do you _think_ something’s wrong? Do you—Can you breathe okay?” Lake asks. 

Felix shakes his head and Lake feels a pang of fear in her chest. It must show on her face, because he immediately tries to reassure her. “It’s probably fine. It’s like a five percent chance that I’m dying and a ninety-five percent chance that I’m just having a panic attack.”

“Um, okay,” says Lake, “and you can’t tell the difference?”

“Nope,” says Felix, popping the “p.” His breathing is shaky, and if _he_ can’t tell what the fuck is going on with him, there’s no way in hell Lake is going to be able to. 

But maybe she can get to the source of the problem. 

“I’m going to call Mia and ask her to see if she can find out about the cookies,” Lake says, getting out her phone. 

Felix shakes his head. “Mia’s doing her art show thing, I don’t want to bother her.”

“I don’t feel okay leaving you here, and you know that means our only other option is—”

Felix groans. 

“Fine,” he says, running a hand through his hair, what Lake assumes is a nervous habit. “Call Andrew. Just don’t—just do it outside.” He gestures to the courtyard. “If I have to hear you explain this dumbass situation to him, I’m gonna hurl myself off a bridge.”

“It’s not dumb,” Lake starts to say, but Felix cuts her off. 

“Just go call him, please,” he says, and he looks like he’s about to cry. 

“Yeah,” Lake says, “If you start to feel worse, I’ll just be over here.”

Felix gives her a thumbs up before pulling his legs up and hugging his knees close to him. 

Lake slips out the door into the courtyard and dials Andrew’s number. 

“Why are you calling me?” Andrew’s voice says as soon as he answers the phone. “We’re in the same building, and I don’t think you’re allowed to be on your phone at an art show. Mia’s glaring at me—”

“Five seconds of your time, I promise,” Lake says. She sneaks a glance at Felix through the windows, not wanting to seem too overprotective but also not wanting something terrible to happen to him during the minute it should take her to make this call. “You know those chocolate chip cookies they have near the front of the art show?”

“Yeah,” Andrew confirms. 

“Can you find out who’s in charge of the food and text me back with the ingredients of the cookies?”

“Like, all of the ingredients? I don’t think I’m gonna remember, like, sodium glyceride and all that shit.”

Lake sighs. “Felix is allergic to nuts and he ate one without asking if there were any nuts in it. He’s either having a panic attack or an allergic reaction but he doesn’t know which one, and he won’t let me call an ambulance unless he’s absolutely sure he’s dying.”

“Oh, shit,” says Andrew. “Yeah, I’ll get on that. Mia’s glaring at me, I gotta go.”

“Thank you _so_ much, I owe you,” Lake says. She hangs up the phone before Andrew can respond. 

“Hey,” she says once inside of the school. “Felix, you okay?” He’s buried his face in his knees. _God,_ he looks so young. 

He looks up. “I don’t feel good,” he says, and tears have started to form in his eyes. “Shit, I really don’t feel good.” He doesn’t look so good, either. His face is flushed and he looks like he might be sick. 

“Do you want some air?” Lake asks softly. Felix nods. 

Lake takes his hand, and he gets up shakily, following her outside. He sinks down to sit against the stone wall of the school. Lake sits down by his side. 

“Has this happened before?” she asks. 

“Lake,” he says, fiddling with his sweatshirt zipper, “Please, I—I don’t feel good, if I talk any more, I think I’m going to throw up.” His shaky fingers can’t quite get a hold of the zipper. 

“Here,” Lake says, taking the zipper out of his hands and easily removing his sweatshirt. 

Felix squeezes his eyes shut and loosely clasps a hand to his mouth. Lake rubs his back in what she hopes is a calming motion. 

“I got you,” she says as he shudders with sobs. “I got you, Felix,” and Jesus Christ, she hopes Andrew texts soon, because if this is a panic attack, it’s got to be a pretty bad one, and if, as is seeming likelier and likelier, it’s an allergic reaction, she needs to get Felix help _fast._

“Did Andrew text yet?” Felix asks. His face is streaked with tears and it breaks Lake’s heart. 

“Not yet,” she says, wiping a tear from Felix’s cheek. 

_“Fuck,”_ he breathes, hugging his knees even tighter and rocking back and forth—Lake can’t imagine that particular nervous habit is doing anything good for his already queasy stomach, but what can she do?

“Felix, are you sure I shouldn’t get help?” Lake asks. “This seems a lot worse than a panic attack.”

“I don’t know,” says Felix, a note of panic in his voice. “I don’t—all of my symptoms could mean either one. My brain likes to tell me things are worse than they are and it can make me imagine that I can’t breathe, or that I’m dizzy, or that I’m gonna throw up, so I don’t—I can’t know.”

Lake runs a hand through his soft hair. “Just breathe, Felix,” she says, for a lack of anything else to say. She’s way out of her depth in this situation, and the boy that she loves is hurting, and all she can say is “just breathe.”

He does. It’s shaky and shallow, and tears are rolling down his face, but he breathes. Lake rubs his back, and he breathes. 

Her phone dings. 

“Is that Andrew?” Felix asks in a strangled voice. Lake grabs her phone. 

**_Andrew Spencer:_ ** _There are no nuts in the cookies_

 **_Andrew Spencer:_ ** _I asked a lady who asked another lady who asked the lady who made the cookies and she said they were fine._

 **_Andrew Spencer:_ ** _Hope Weston feels better soon_

Lake angles her phone towards Felix and shows him the texts. Felix sighs. He buries his head in his hands. 

“You probably think I’m so fucking stupid,” he says. 

“Felix—”

“No, no it’s like, it’s totally fine, I _am_ stupid. This is like, the hundredth time I’ve done this, I should know better.”

“This has happened before?” Lake asks tentatively. 

“Yeah,” Felix says without looking at her. “Yeah, I—it used to happen all the time. Not so much anymore, but sometimes.”

“So all of that was a panic attack?”

Felix nods. “It sounds so stupid when you say it. Like, shouldn’t I be able to tell the difference between being scared and actually going into anaphylactic shock?”

Lake takes his hand. 

“I’m not an expert on the subject,” she says, “but I know fear is a hell of a drug. And from what I can tell, a panic attack probably feels a lot like an allergic reaction.”

“I’ve never had to go to the hospital or anything for a reaction,” Felix confesses. “I ate cashews once, but the worst that happened was I got hives all over my lips. They don’t even know if I could die from them or anything. When I was a kid, they said we should do like, one of those tests where they feed you some peanut butter and then see what happens, but I—I know I couldn’t handle that.”

Lake says nothing. 

“I know I overreacted,” he says. “I just—I can’t help it.”

“I know,” Lake says. “And I don’t think you overreacted, Felix. The whole thing sounds really scary.”

“I just—” he starts. “This has been happening since I was eight. And I feel like I should know by now that it’s not real and that I’m not really dying, but I never do.”

“Have you tried, like, therapy?” Lake says. “Or medication?”

“I don’t want to bother my mom with all of that, y’know?” he says. “I don’t—I can’t ask her,” Felix explains. 

“Does she know it’s happening?”

“I don’t know,” Felix says. “It hasn’t happened for a while. I usually ask about the ingredients, but it wasn’t worth it this time, y’know?”

“If it could've saved you fifteen minutes of feeling sick and shaky and terrified, I think it would have been worth it,” Lake points out. 

Felix looks down. 

“I was embarrassed,” he mumbles, almost too quiet for Lake to hear. 

“Why would you be embarrassed?” she asks. 

“I just…” Felix starts. “I don’t—I don’t know. It’s just embarrassing. I don’t like having to wait so long to get my ice cream that by the time it’s ready, everyone else is done with theirs. I don’t like having to ask people I don’t know what’s in the cupcakes at a bake sale. I don’t—” he pauses. “I don’t know.”

“You could never embarrass me with something as small as that,” Lake assures him. 

“I know,” he says. “God, I know. But the side of my brain that likes to make me think I’m dying when I’m not… that’s the side of the brain that makes me embarrassed for no reason. That side of my brain fucks with me a lot.”

“How can I help you?” Lake asks. “If it happens again?”

Felix shrugs. “Tell me to get my shit together,” he says, huffing a laugh. 

“I’m serious,” she says. “How can I tell when it’s happening and how can I help?”

“I don’t need help, really, I usually deal with this shit on my own, I swear.”

 _“Felix,”_ Lake says, and Felix sighs. 

“I don’t know. My breathing gets weird, like sometimes I take these ridiculously deep breaths that make me look and sound just fucking stupid—”

“Felix,” Lake warns. 

“I just—I like to make sure I can breathe. But when I’m panicking, it’s harder to breathe, so I might take, like, more shallow breaths, too. you know, either/or.”

Lake nods. “Anything else?” she asks. 

“Sometimes I get shaky,” Felix says, “like my hands will start to shake, mostly, and sometimes my legs will, too.”

“Is that it?” Lake asks. 

“I mean, you want to know, like, the noticeable symptoms, right? I think that’s all of them.”

“What about the other symptoms?” Lake asks. 

“Are they important?” 

“I just want to know what you’re going through.”

Felix takes a breath. “The back of my neck gets hot, and it feels like, kind of metallic, if that makes sense? I don’t know. My heart starts racing, my ears get hot. Sometimes I get nauseous.”

Lake nods.

“I’m embarrassed telling you this,” Felix says. “This is so fucking embarrassing.”

“That’s just your brain fucking with you,” Lake reminds him. “But if you want to stop talking about this, I understand.”

Felix shakes his head. “No, it’s—this is good for me, I think. Um, if you notice that I’m freaking out, just like, make up some excuse to get me away from other people. Somewhere quiet. Sometimes it helps for me to drink water, because I know that if I can swallow, my throat's not closing up. I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Lake says. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thanks for dealing with me after I absolutely lost my shit for no reason,”

Lake rolls her eyes. “The self-deprecating shit has got to stop,” she says. 

“It’s a coping mechaniiismmm,” Felix sings, to no particular tune. 

Lake stares at him, eyebrows raised, a slight smirk on her face. 

Felix sighs. “Thank you for helping me,” he says, and then—

“I love you.”

Lake’s heart skips a beat. Felix is looking straight at her, with warm brown eyes that make her want to melt. 

“I love you, too,” she says, and pecks him on the cheek. 

His smile is real this time. Lake can tell. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> All mistakes are my own, please let me know if you see any!
> 
> Kudos/Comments are greatly appreciated!


End file.
